This one is for the people who have been hamstrung by overwhelming shame. I know the feeling.
Several months ago I was laid off. It was the worst possible time for me. But the worst part is how the whole episode made me feel. Although I had done nothing to merit being laid off, I felt totally worthless and depressed. When I was not job hunting, attending school or church or chairing Mensana meetings, I was hiding at home with the windows closed and the curtains drawn, even on scorching hot days. I cut myself off from people as much as I could. Finally, I was confronted by a friend. That was when I confessed to her that I was embarrassed. I actually heard myself saying that I felt shame. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. But why should I feel shame? I pondered that for a while. Then I decided to do some research on shame. That was how I encountered the work of Dr Brene Brown, social worker and researcher on shame and vulnerability. What I have learned from her has begun to help me to deal with my feelings of shame. I have even been teaching it to others. If you have ever felt shame, you are normal. I hope you will increase in knowledge and understanding about shame. And may you be free.
What I am sharing with you now is a number of quotes from Dr Brene Brown about shame. They will help you understand what shame really is, the difference between guilt and shame, the gender manifestations of shame and how to talk about and overcome shame. These quotes were collected from the many speeches on vulnerability and shame given by Dr Brown in spaces such as the TED talks, Oprah's Soul Sundays broadcasts, 99U, RSA and various interviews on the internet, television and radio. I added the square bracketed portions for clarity.
The typical dictionary definition says shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation and distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour" (Google). But according to Dr Brown:
What really is shame?
"Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. 'Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?'"
"Shame is the intensely personal feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"We all know shame. This, 'I am not good enough,' 'I am not _______ enough.'"
"Shame drives two big tapes: 'Never good enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'"
"We all have shame. The only people who don't know it, have no capacity for empathy or human connection."
Shame versus Guilt
"Shame is 'I am bad.' Guilt is 'I did something bad.'"
"Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behaviour."
[On parenting and shame versus guilt] "There is a tremendous difference between saying, 'You're a bad girl,' and 'You are a great kid, but that was a bad choice.'"
"Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, suicide, bullying and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those outcomes. The more someone is able to separate themselves from those behaviours the less likely it is that they will end up in those situations or suffering from those struggles."
"Guilt is cognitive dissonance." Dr Brown explained that guilt is about holding up our behaviour against our value system and finding out that it does not feel right, [so we make plans to change our behaviour.] But, she adds "shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change."
Shame and Gender
"Shame is organised by gender. For women, shame is 'do it all, do it perfectly and never let
them see you sweat.' It is a web of unattainable competing expectations about who we are supposed to be. It is a straightjacket. For men, shame is 'do not be perceived as weak'."
"Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." Dr Brown explained that perfectionism is a defence mechanism that many people, especially women, employ.
Talking about Shame
Nobody likes to talk about or hear about shame. Dr Brown said she was advised against researching the issue as it would have been a career killer. But years of groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has improved her own life and made her famous.
"We don't talk about the things that get in the way. What we want is the 'how to'. But 'how to' is not working. The problem is bigger than that. The problem is mostly what gets in the way of implementing what we know. I would argue from my work, it's the hustle for worthiness."
How to Manage Shame
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle - 'me too'."
"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives - secrecy, silence and judgement."
"We cannot avoid shame, but we can be resilient."
"Shame cannot survive empathy and belongingness. Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone."
"Empathy is feeling with. Sympathy is feeling for." Dr Brown explained the difference between empathy and sympathy this way: Empathetic people truly understand what someone in struggle is going through so they will know exactly what the person needs. Sympathetic people do not demonstrate a deep understanding of what people in struggle are experiencing so they only respond with words, such as 'bless your heart', expecting that to help. [Some other sympathetic words in my view are 'I will pray for you'.]
"Shame breeds three things - fear, blame and disconnection. So how do we practice courage in a culture where we are incredibly afraid of not fitting in?"
[The answer] "More authenticity. A deeper sense of love and belonging. Have a resilient spirit."
Dr Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She is a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate School of Social Work. She is the author of books such as Daring Greatly, Women and Shame, I Thought It Was Just Me, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability.
Bonus Quote
"The things that get in the way are sometimes the only things that set us free. I invite you to talk about your story [with] someone who loves you for your strengths and struggles and [is] able to engage you in these conversations. And use the word 'shame' as much as possible." - Dr. Brene Brown
Awesome!
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
Monday, 15 May 2017
Thursday, 4 May 2017
The Main Reason People Suffer
Everybody, be they rich, poor or in between, suffers at some time. People suffer for a lot of reasons. Natural disasters, illnesses, pandemics, accidents, recessions and depressions all take their toll. Nobody is immune. Life is hard and it is unfair.
But the worst kind of suffering is caused by people. People's greed, selfishness, cruelty and indifference are the biggest causes of suffering in the world. People make war. Wars bring famine, disease, economic collapse, environmental damage, societal disintegration and genocide. People also create unjust policies and laws that favour the powerful at the expense of the powerless. Banking policies that empower bankers to extract hefty service fees from people's savings accounts are examples.
But let's look at suffering from a more personal standpoint. There are times when life's hard knocks come to our door and rob us of everything except life. Such knocks can be a sudden job loss, illness, a serious assault, a robbery, divorce and death of significant others. But we do not all suffer at the same time. So when disaster strikes, others are free to help.
But some people choose not to help even when they can. In the wake of a job loss or long illness, for example, people will be without an income and if they don't have enough reserved, they will be unable to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, that is the time when some people find out that those they had hoped would help, really do not care. That brings a terrible kind of hurt.
Even worse, some people blame victims of misfortune for what has happened to them. During the hurricane season, many poor Jamaicans who live in makeshift informal settlements near gullies and other low-lying areas, lose their homes to torrential rains and flooding. But people blame them for living in these places, never considering that maybe they do not have other choices. In other disasters, some people even see it as an opportunity to further victimise victims. In the wake of the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, many traumatised, displaced women and children were sexually assaulted.
Poverty is its own disaster. What makes people treat poor people so badly? Is it that they do not understand why people are poor? People are poor when they cannot provide for their own basic needs. Most people have to work to be able to provide for themselves. But there are many able and willing people who cannot find jobs. Also, children, the disabled and old people make up a large part of the poor population because they are unable to work. Yet some people curse and chase away children, the disabled and old people when they ask for help. I recently heard of a woman who cut down her breadfruit tree because poor people were picking the fruits. Now she will have no fruits even for herself. Yesterday, I saw a story on Facebook about children being shamed by school cafeteria staff for having no lunch money. They put these children to work cleaning the cafeteria, while they throw away perfectly good food.
Yes, life is hard and it is unfair. But it is harder and more unfair because some people do not care about other people. They either don't know how to care or don't want to. For such people, I am sharing a saying that I learned from my mother. "Today for me, but tomorrow for you." That is to say, while I have troubles now, your troubles are on the way. When life's hard knocks come we all need help from others to cope or even survive. Knowing this we should lend a hand whenever we can. And even if we cannot, we must not add to other people's troubles by blaming or shaming them. Instead, give them empathy. A day is coming when you will need it back.
But the worst kind of suffering is caused by people. People's greed, selfishness, cruelty and indifference are the biggest causes of suffering in the world. People make war. Wars bring famine, disease, economic collapse, environmental damage, societal disintegration and genocide. People also create unjust policies and laws that favour the powerful at the expense of the powerless. Banking policies that empower bankers to extract hefty service fees from people's savings accounts are examples.
But let's look at suffering from a more personal standpoint. There are times when life's hard knocks come to our door and rob us of everything except life. Such knocks can be a sudden job loss, illness, a serious assault, a robbery, divorce and death of significant others. But we do not all suffer at the same time. So when disaster strikes, others are free to help.
But some people choose not to help even when they can. In the wake of a job loss or long illness, for example, people will be without an income and if they don't have enough reserved, they will be unable to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, that is the time when some people find out that those they had hoped would help, really do not care. That brings a terrible kind of hurt.
Even worse, some people blame victims of misfortune for what has happened to them. During the hurricane season, many poor Jamaicans who live in makeshift informal settlements near gullies and other low-lying areas, lose their homes to torrential rains and flooding. But people blame them for living in these places, never considering that maybe they do not have other choices. In other disasters, some people even see it as an opportunity to further victimise victims. In the wake of the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, many traumatised, displaced women and children were sexually assaulted.
Poverty is its own disaster. What makes people treat poor people so badly? Is it that they do not understand why people are poor? People are poor when they cannot provide for their own basic needs. Most people have to work to be able to provide for themselves. But there are many able and willing people who cannot find jobs. Also, children, the disabled and old people make up a large part of the poor population because they are unable to work. Yet some people curse and chase away children, the disabled and old people when they ask for help. I recently heard of a woman who cut down her breadfruit tree because poor people were picking the fruits. Now she will have no fruits even for herself. Yesterday, I saw a story on Facebook about children being shamed by school cafeteria staff for having no lunch money. They put these children to work cleaning the cafeteria, while they throw away perfectly good food.
Yes, life is hard and it is unfair. But it is harder and more unfair because some people do not care about other people. They either don't know how to care or don't want to. For such people, I am sharing a saying that I learned from my mother. "Today for me, but tomorrow for you." That is to say, while I have troubles now, your troubles are on the way. When life's hard knocks come we all need help from others to cope or even survive. Knowing this we should lend a hand whenever we can. And even if we cannot, we must not add to other people's troubles by blaming or shaming them. Instead, give them empathy. A day is coming when you will need it back.
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