This one is for the people who have been hamstrung by overwhelming shame. I know the feeling.
Several months ago I was laid off. It was the worst possible time for me. But the worst part is how the whole episode made me feel. Although I had done nothing to merit being laid off, I felt totally worthless and depressed. When I was not job hunting, attending school or church or chairing Mensana meetings, I was hiding at home with the windows closed and the curtains drawn, even on scorching hot days. I cut myself off from people as much as I could. Finally, I was confronted by a friend. That was when I confessed to her that I was embarrassed. I actually heard myself saying that I felt shame. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. But why should I feel shame? I pondered that for a while. Then I decided to do some research on shame. That was how I encountered the work of Dr Brene Brown, social worker and researcher on shame and vulnerability. What I have learned from her has begun to help me to deal with my feelings of shame. I have even been teaching it to others. If you have ever felt shame, you are normal. I hope you will increase in knowledge and understanding about shame. And may you be free.
What I am sharing with you now is a number of quotes from Dr Brene Brown about shame. They will help you understand what shame really is, the difference between guilt and shame, the gender manifestations of shame and how to talk about and overcome shame. These quotes were collected from the many speeches on vulnerability and shame given by Dr Brown in spaces such as the TED talks, Oprah's Soul Sundays broadcasts, 99U, RSA and various interviews on the internet, television and radio. I added the square bracketed portions for clarity.
The typical dictionary definition says shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation and distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour" (Google). But according to Dr Brown:
What really is shame?
"Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. 'Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?'"
"Shame is the intensely personal feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"We all know shame. This, 'I am not good enough,' 'I am not _______ enough.'"
"Shame drives two big tapes: 'Never good enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'"
"We all have shame. The only people who don't know it, have no capacity for empathy or human connection."
Shame versus Guilt
"Shame is 'I am bad.' Guilt is 'I did something bad.'"
"Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behaviour."
[On parenting and shame versus guilt] "There is a tremendous difference between saying, 'You're a bad girl,' and 'You are a great kid, but that was a bad choice.'"
"Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, suicide, bullying and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those outcomes. The more someone is able to separate themselves from those behaviours the less likely it is that they will end up in those situations or suffering from those struggles."
"Guilt is cognitive dissonance." Dr Brown explained that guilt is about holding up our behaviour against our value system and finding out that it does not feel right, [so we make plans to change our behaviour.] But, she adds "shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change."
Shame and Gender
"Shame is organised by gender. For women, shame is 'do it all, do it perfectly and never let
them see you sweat.' It is a web of unattainable competing expectations about who we are supposed to be. It is a straightjacket. For men, shame is 'do not be perceived as weak'."
"Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." Dr Brown explained that perfectionism is a defence mechanism that many people, especially women, employ.
Talking about Shame
Nobody likes to talk about or hear about shame. Dr Brown said she was advised against researching the issue as it would have been a career killer. But years of groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has improved her own life and made her famous.
"We don't talk about the things that get in the way. What we want is the 'how to'. But 'how to' is not working. The problem is bigger than that. The problem is mostly what gets in the way of implementing what we know. I would argue from my work, it's the hustle for worthiness."
How to Manage Shame
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle - 'me too'."
"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives - secrecy, silence and judgement."
"We cannot avoid shame, but we can be resilient."
"Shame cannot survive empathy and belongingness. Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone."
"Empathy is feeling with. Sympathy is feeling for." Dr Brown explained the difference between empathy and sympathy this way: Empathetic people truly understand what someone in struggle is going through so they will know exactly what the person needs. Sympathetic people do not demonstrate a deep understanding of what people in struggle are experiencing so they only respond with words, such as 'bless your heart', expecting that to help. [Some other sympathetic words in my view are 'I will pray for you'.]
"Shame breeds three things - fear, blame and disconnection. So how do we practice courage in a culture where we are incredibly afraid of not fitting in?"
[The answer] "More authenticity. A deeper sense of love and belonging. Have a resilient spirit."
Dr Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She is a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate School of Social Work. She is the author of books such as Daring Greatly, Women and Shame, I Thought It Was Just Me, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability.
Bonus Quote
"The things that get in the way are sometimes the only things that set us free. I invite you to talk about your story [with] someone who loves you for your strengths and struggles and [is] able to engage you in these conversations. And use the word 'shame' as much as possible." - Dr. Brene Brown
Awesome!
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
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