Sunday, 17 June 2018
Mary Seacole - II: Mother Seacole in the Crimea - Extra History
Here is part 2 of Mary Seacole by Extra Credits. I just love it. So will you. DMR, "Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever."
Mary Seacole - I: A Bold Front to Fortune - Extra History
There is something about Mary. Enjoy this telling of her story. I certainly did. Cheers. DMR, "Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
Friday, 4 August 2017
Lies
The truth sets us free, and lies ensnare, enslave and destroy us. Just ask anyone who has been lied to or lied about by liars with bad intentions. Everyone hates a liar, even liars because they know that lies are lethal. In both the Christian and secular domains, lies have a damning effect. But, lies can also have positive results.
Lies are intentionally false statements (Oxford Dictionary). Lies even by its other names (deceptions, defamations, falsehoods, mendacities, denigrations, fabrications, dishonesties, misrepresentions, exaggerations) are perhaps, the worst devices used to destroy people. Two months ago, I wrote about labels as "weapons of mass and self-destruction". But in a competition for that title, lies win hands down. In every form of mass evil, be it war, piracy, social injustice or mass murder, lies play a role somewhere. In the quest for power, wealth and fame some people tell the worst lies. And some individuals end up in failure and misery because of their self-deceptions.
According to the Bible, humankind's downfall began with a lie. It describes how the devil, also called "the father of lies" disguised himself and lied to the first woman. Lying continued through the ages. We read how a man was tricked out of his blessings by his lying brother, Jacob. Later, Jacob himself suffered the grief of believing that his favourite son, Joseph, was dead after Jacob received that lie from his other sons. Joseph, who became the hero of the Hebrew people, was lied about by a lustful woman, and he was imprisoned for years because of it. God highlighted lying as one of the vilest of sins when he explicitly forbade it in the Ten Commandments. The book of Proverbs contain several warnings about lying.
The devil is also called "the accuser of mankind." Liars love to accuse. The Gospels describe how the Pharisees falsely accused Jesus and killed him.
Liars lie about people to ruin their reputations. Liars sometimes accuse people of the things that they themselves do. This happens in many close relationships. In other contexts, people lie when they want to get others out of the way to take their jobs, relationships or property. If the liar finds nothing to accuse their targets of, then they invent or exaggerate something. And with the help of lying accomplices, they make their lies believable. Liars like to isolate their victims and when they have lost all credibility, the liars move in for the kill.
People also lie about people to have an excuse for persecuting and killing them. In the 1930s and 40s, the Nazis used this tactic against the Jews in Europe. Here in Jamaica, there was the vilification of the Rastafarian community, which lasted well into the 1980s. In the 1990s, the Serbs and the Hutus did the same thing before and during the Bosnian and Rwandan genocides, respectively. Today, Islamic State (formerly known as ISIS) is doing the same thing in their war against "infidels."
Liars lie to people to exploit them. People who have been tricked or trafficked into modern slavery were lied to. People who have been defrauded of their savings were lied to. People who have been lured into bad relationships and situations were lied to. Recently, the BBC aired a story about a young woman who had been lured into ISIS by lies. What she received instead was abuse from senior ranking ISIS members. She escaped with her life but it is now in ruins with her reputation. Such are the effects of lies.
People with low self-value were lied to by people with influence over them, especially in their formative years. Without a high self-value, a person is more vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. That is why pimps like to denigrate the people whose earnings they feed on. Even if you have a high self-value, liars who want to exploit you will work long and hard to break you and delude you about who you are. Never trust anyone who always has bad things to say to and about anybody.
But good people lie too. The definition of lies as "intentionally false statements" does not speak to people's motives. People with consequentialist worldviews would argue that lies are ethical as long as the motives and the results are honourable. For example, if a lie results in the saving of innocent lives, the lie is pardonable, even commendable. In Nazi Europe, many Jews escaped death because someone lied to the Nazis. Oskar Schindler, whose story was made famous in the film, Schindler's List, was credited with saving over 1000 Jews by outwitting the Nazis. He lied to them. Famous Rwandan genocide survivor, Immaculee Ilibagiza, wrote that she survived by hiding in the bathroom of a Hutu pastor for 91 days. When Hutu killers came hunting for Tutsis, that pastor lied to his Hutu countrymen to save Immaculee and the 7 others whom he had also hidden.
Everybody lies. But I believe that good people do not lie as a way of life. They lie out of necessity and for good reasons. Always be wary of habitual liars. They are often not easy to spot until the damage they intend is done. Test all liars. Perhaps our most effective tool is our God-given instincts that alert us when something is off about people and what they say and do. We must observe and listen carefully to people and trust our gut feelings. This is important because liars with evil motives are the enemies of justice and truth. They will steal your prosperity, freedom, happiness and peace.
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
August 4, 2017
Lies are intentionally false statements (Oxford Dictionary). Lies even by its other names (deceptions, defamations, falsehoods, mendacities, denigrations, fabrications, dishonesties, misrepresentions, exaggerations) are perhaps, the worst devices used to destroy people. Two months ago, I wrote about labels as "weapons of mass and self-destruction". But in a competition for that title, lies win hands down. In every form of mass evil, be it war, piracy, social injustice or mass murder, lies play a role somewhere. In the quest for power, wealth and fame some people tell the worst lies. And some individuals end up in failure and misery because of their self-deceptions.
According to the Bible, humankind's downfall began with a lie. It describes how the devil, also called "the father of lies" disguised himself and lied to the first woman. Lying continued through the ages. We read how a man was tricked out of his blessings by his lying brother, Jacob. Later, Jacob himself suffered the grief of believing that his favourite son, Joseph, was dead after Jacob received that lie from his other sons. Joseph, who became the hero of the Hebrew people, was lied about by a lustful woman, and he was imprisoned for years because of it. God highlighted lying as one of the vilest of sins when he explicitly forbade it in the Ten Commandments. The book of Proverbs contain several warnings about lying.
The devil is also called "the accuser of mankind." Liars love to accuse. The Gospels describe how the Pharisees falsely accused Jesus and killed him.
Liars lie about people to ruin their reputations. Liars sometimes accuse people of the things that they themselves do. This happens in many close relationships. In other contexts, people lie when they want to get others out of the way to take their jobs, relationships or property. If the liar finds nothing to accuse their targets of, then they invent or exaggerate something. And with the help of lying accomplices, they make their lies believable. Liars like to isolate their victims and when they have lost all credibility, the liars move in for the kill.
People also lie about people to have an excuse for persecuting and killing them. In the 1930s and 40s, the Nazis used this tactic against the Jews in Europe. Here in Jamaica, there was the vilification of the Rastafarian community, which lasted well into the 1980s. In the 1990s, the Serbs and the Hutus did the same thing before and during the Bosnian and Rwandan genocides, respectively. Today, Islamic State (formerly known as ISIS) is doing the same thing in their war against "infidels."
Liars lie to people to exploit them. People who have been tricked or trafficked into modern slavery were lied to. People who have been defrauded of their savings were lied to. People who have been lured into bad relationships and situations were lied to. Recently, the BBC aired a story about a young woman who had been lured into ISIS by lies. What she received instead was abuse from senior ranking ISIS members. She escaped with her life but it is now in ruins with her reputation. Such are the effects of lies.
People with low self-value were lied to by people with influence over them, especially in their formative years. Without a high self-value, a person is more vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. That is why pimps like to denigrate the people whose earnings they feed on. Even if you have a high self-value, liars who want to exploit you will work long and hard to break you and delude you about who you are. Never trust anyone who always has bad things to say to and about anybody.
But good people lie too. The definition of lies as "intentionally false statements" does not speak to people's motives. People with consequentialist worldviews would argue that lies are ethical as long as the motives and the results are honourable. For example, if a lie results in the saving of innocent lives, the lie is pardonable, even commendable. In Nazi Europe, many Jews escaped death because someone lied to the Nazis. Oskar Schindler, whose story was made famous in the film, Schindler's List, was credited with saving over 1000 Jews by outwitting the Nazis. He lied to them. Famous Rwandan genocide survivor, Immaculee Ilibagiza, wrote that she survived by hiding in the bathroom of a Hutu pastor for 91 days. When Hutu killers came hunting for Tutsis, that pastor lied to his Hutu countrymen to save Immaculee and the 7 others whom he had also hidden.
Everybody lies. But I believe that good people do not lie as a way of life. They lie out of necessity and for good reasons. Always be wary of habitual liars. They are often not easy to spot until the damage they intend is done. Test all liars. Perhaps our most effective tool is our God-given instincts that alert us when something is off about people and what they say and do. We must observe and listen carefully to people and trust our gut feelings. This is important because liars with evil motives are the enemies of justice and truth. They will steal your prosperity, freedom, happiness and peace.
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
August 4, 2017
Thursday, 3 August 2017
Are Black Women Angry about Rejection from Rich Black Men?
So I was reviewing some of the things I had written in the past, when I came across an unpublished blog I prepared 4 years ago. It had been inspired by a Yahoo story about Michael Jordan's marriage to his Cuban girlfriend, Yvette Prieto. The comments had drawn my interest more than even the article and what some of them said really had me thinking.
@Mark: "Am I the only one to notice on TV, movies and commercials ... they have a lot of black males and white female couples, but not the other way around???? Why is the MEDIA doing it??? If I was a black woman, I would be @#$#!"
Mark's comments resonated with me. As a black woman, how did I really feel about yet another prized, accomplished black man walking off with a "white" woman instead of a black one? Not to mention the fact that Jordan had once been married to a black woman whom he had divorced some time before. Yes, Mark. As a black woman that had stung a little. But I am asking myself why? Interracial relationships are not unusual in my world. My former boss, a Dutchman, is married to a black Jamaican woman. I have a friend from Britain who has a black wife. I, myself, had even dated a white man for a while back in the day. So why was I stung at all by Jordan's marriage? More on that later.
Here is what another person said about the issue:
@Hampton: "It is a sign of status and power among black males."
I think there is some truth to what Hampton said. We know how much men value power. Which race of men doesn't? People chase power and status symbols in whatever form they come. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but why shouldn't we expect black men to do the same.
But it was Jeff's comment that really got under my skin.
@Jeff: "Black women date/marry white guys as fast as they can. It is usually the white guy - because of social pressures - who does not want to date them. Black women are not loyal to black men. Oh, yeah. Some black women brag about dating white men like we are some kind of trophy. Laugh and ask her how many times she went to HIS family's Thanksgiving."
That reminded me of a US magazine poll I had come across some years before. It had concluded that black women aspired to marry white men in far greater numbers than white men are willing to marry them. Sorry readers, I don't remember which magazine published that, but I had never forgotten what it said. I didn't like that information, but I felt that I had no reason to doubt that it was pretty near to reality. I believe it still is. Just look at the frenzy many dark-skinned people get into to acquire "whiteness" and the symbols thereof. Jeff said, "Black women are not loyal to black men." I guess everybody is entitled to seek their own power and status symbols.
But back to my feelings about Michael Jordan's marriage to Ms Prieto (I think her last name means "ugly" in some parts of Latin America by the way.) Why was I really ticked off about their marriage? I was surprised at myself for feeling that way. Why did I even care? I had done some soul searching to try to find out.
Me: "Am I a racist?"
Soul: "Oh, no. (At least I really hope not.)"
Me: "Do I have a crush on MJ myself?"
Soul: "No. But, you like his tenacity. That is an attractive quality to you. But you will never even meet him, so what is this really about?"
Me: "I don't know. Could it be about his very light skinned Cuban bride?"
Soul: "It could be just about her."
Me: "Why??? I don't know anything bad about her so I don't have any reason to dislike her. Am I just jealous?"
Soul: "No. (I think.)"
Me: "How would I feel if she were black?"
Soul: "You would say, 'Heh, heh! You go girl."
Me: "Hmm. Strange to feel a sense of triumph if a black woman marries a successful black man. Why should that be? It should not be unusual if a black man marries a black woman. But that's a whole other topic."
Introspection is good, no matter what you find out and
There was one more comment. I loved it, so I had adopted it as my final comment on the matter.
@Tippyntj: "Geez, who cares, people. Since when did this become a race issue? Stop dissing Black women...stop dissing White women. Ladies, ladies, ladies...have some respect for each other as women. Who cares who loves who and what colour they are? Focus on your own happiness and let others do as they please. Look at you fools. On Yahoo bick-bickering about black women/white women...what is this? High school?"
Thank you, Tippyntj whoever you are. "Bick-bickering?" I like your way with words. Good times. Some issues will never lose their relevance. It is great to reminisce.
First written on April 28, 2013
Updated on August 3, 2017
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever.
@Mark: "Am I the only one to notice on TV, movies and commercials ... they have a lot of black males and white female couples, but not the other way around???? Why is the MEDIA doing it??? If I was a black woman, I would be @#$#!"
Mark's comments resonated with me. As a black woman, how did I really feel about yet another prized, accomplished black man walking off with a "white" woman instead of a black one? Not to mention the fact that Jordan had once been married to a black woman whom he had divorced some time before. Yes, Mark. As a black woman that had stung a little. But I am asking myself why? Interracial relationships are not unusual in my world. My former boss, a Dutchman, is married to a black Jamaican woman. I have a friend from Britain who has a black wife. I, myself, had even dated a white man for a while back in the day. So why was I stung at all by Jordan's marriage? More on that later.
Here is what another person said about the issue:
@Hampton: "It is a sign of status and power among black males."
I think there is some truth to what Hampton said. We know how much men value power. Which race of men doesn't? People chase power and status symbols in whatever form they come. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but why shouldn't we expect black men to do the same.
But it was Jeff's comment that really got under my skin.
@Jeff: "Black women date/marry white guys as fast as they can. It is usually the white guy - because of social pressures - who does not want to date them. Black women are not loyal to black men. Oh, yeah. Some black women brag about dating white men like we are some kind of trophy. Laugh and ask her how many times she went to HIS family's Thanksgiving."
That reminded me of a US magazine poll I had come across some years before. It had concluded that black women aspired to marry white men in far greater numbers than white men are willing to marry them. Sorry readers, I don't remember which magazine published that, but I had never forgotten what it said. I didn't like that information, but I felt that I had no reason to doubt that it was pretty near to reality. I believe it still is. Just look at the frenzy many dark-skinned people get into to acquire "whiteness" and the symbols thereof. Jeff said, "Black women are not loyal to black men." I guess everybody is entitled to seek their own power and status symbols.
But back to my feelings about Michael Jordan's marriage to Ms Prieto (I think her last name means "ugly" in some parts of Latin America by the way.) Why was I really ticked off about their marriage? I was surprised at myself for feeling that way. Why did I even care? I had done some soul searching to try to find out.
Me: "Am I a racist?"
Soul: "Oh, no. (At least I really hope not.)"
Me: "Do I have a crush on MJ myself?"
Soul: "No. But, you like his tenacity. That is an attractive quality to you. But you will never even meet him, so what is this really about?"
Me: "I don't know. Could it be about his very light skinned Cuban bride?"
Soul: "It could be just about her."
Me: "Why??? I don't know anything bad about her so I don't have any reason to dislike her. Am I just jealous?"
Soul: "No. (I think.)"
Me: "How would I feel if she were black?"
Soul: "You would say, 'Heh, heh! You go girl."
Me: "Hmm. Strange to feel a sense of triumph if a black woman marries a successful black man. Why should that be? It should not be unusual if a black man marries a black woman. But that's a whole other topic."
Introspection is good, no matter what you find out and
There was one more comment. I loved it, so I had adopted it as my final comment on the matter.
@Tippyntj: "Geez, who cares, people. Since when did this become a race issue? Stop dissing Black women...stop dissing White women. Ladies, ladies, ladies...have some respect for each other as women. Who cares who loves who and what colour they are? Focus on your own happiness and let others do as they please. Look at you fools. On Yahoo bick-bickering about black women/white women...what is this? High school?"
Thank you, Tippyntj whoever you are. "Bick-bickering?" I like your way with words. Good times. Some issues will never lose their relevance. It is great to reminisce.
First written on April 28, 2013
Updated on August 3, 2017
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever.
Wednesday, 5 July 2017
Ed Sheeran's Haters (Why People Hate)
Ed Sheeran is appalled by the hateful tweets he gets from so called followers. I heard this on BBC yesterday. My heart goes out to him. He is wondering why people have to be so mean to him. Why do people pour hate on other people? I have been wondering the same thing for a long time.
In thinking about this question from Mr Sheeran's point of view, I can only surmise that much of the hate he receives has to do with envy. Fret not yourself, Mr Sheeran. As far as I heard, you have done nothing to deserve the hate you are getting. You are a talented pop star. You have found success because you have shared your talents with the world, giving us "hours and hours" of pleasure. But the fact is, some people will hate you for it. It makes no sense, but that is how it is. Quit Twitter if you must. But don't quit being who you are and don't quit doing your thing. I, for one, thank you for it.
But in general, I think the reason many people pour hate on other people is that they just don't know how to love. They may have spent their entire lives being denied love by significant others. And they have modelled hateful behaviours from their environments. There are some people who are just walking cauldrons of hate, waiting to spill it on whoever is luckless enough to come into their cross-hairs. (And I am not just talking about the outright narcissists and psychopaths who are just the way they are and nothing can change them. No doubt, some of these types have also been tweeting hate to Mr Sheeran.) I am talking about people who would be loving people if they had ever learnt how to love. You can't give what you don't have. So, in response to the generosity and love they are shown by others, all they are programmed to do is return hate. I can't think of any other way to explain it. That is what I see so that I what I am saying. It is beyond sad.
But it is not hopeless. Regardless of how bad the hate is, the solution to this world full of haters is to not become one too. Our response to the hate we receive is to return love. It is hard to do. I know it is hard. Some of the things that hate-filled people say and do to others are often hard to forgive. But even if we struggle to forgive people (as I do), we must make sure that we do not return hate for hate. We must return love for hate. We must at least try. If each and every one of us could just try this, even for one day, I believe we would shock ourselves to see how much we have transformed our experience of life.
I say, "live love," not hate.
"What is love?" Well, that is for another post.
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
In thinking about this question from Mr Sheeran's point of view, I can only surmise that much of the hate he receives has to do with envy. Fret not yourself, Mr Sheeran. As far as I heard, you have done nothing to deserve the hate you are getting. You are a talented pop star. You have found success because you have shared your talents with the world, giving us "hours and hours" of pleasure. But the fact is, some people will hate you for it. It makes no sense, but that is how it is. Quit Twitter if you must. But don't quit being who you are and don't quit doing your thing. I, for one, thank you for it.
But in general, I think the reason many people pour hate on other people is that they just don't know how to love. They may have spent their entire lives being denied love by significant others. And they have modelled hateful behaviours from their environments. There are some people who are just walking cauldrons of hate, waiting to spill it on whoever is luckless enough to come into their cross-hairs. (And I am not just talking about the outright narcissists and psychopaths who are just the way they are and nothing can change them. No doubt, some of these types have also been tweeting hate to Mr Sheeran.) I am talking about people who would be loving people if they had ever learnt how to love. You can't give what you don't have. So, in response to the generosity and love they are shown by others, all they are programmed to do is return hate. I can't think of any other way to explain it. That is what I see so that I what I am saying. It is beyond sad.
But it is not hopeless. Regardless of how bad the hate is, the solution to this world full of haters is to not become one too. Our response to the hate we receive is to return love. It is hard to do. I know it is hard. Some of the things that hate-filled people say and do to others are often hard to forgive. But even if we struggle to forgive people (as I do), we must make sure that we do not return hate for hate. We must return love for hate. We must at least try. If each and every one of us could just try this, even for one day, I believe we would shock ourselves to see how much we have transformed our experience of life.
I say, "live love," not hate.
"What is love?" Well, that is for another post.
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
Thursday, 22 June 2017
Labels As Weapons of Mass and Self-Destruction
Label: (1) A piece of paper attached to an object giving information about it. (2) A classifying name, given to a person or thing, especially inaccurately. (Oxford Concise Dictionary, 10th Edition)
People use labels on others and on themselves every day. Should we embrace labels or reject them? That depends on what the labels are, who is using the labels, why they are using them and what are their effects? Although the definition seems clear, labelling is a more complicated matter. Labels can be positive or negative. Labels used negatively can result in mass- and self-destruction.
Many words can be used as positive and negative labels. Take the word "woman", for example. As a label, this word accurately describes an adult, female human being. That is all the word means. It doesn't say much more about the woman.
But to some people, that word "woman" means the human being bearing that label is less intelligent, weak or in some other way inferior and not worthy of the same respect and rights as a man. In fact, many other labels are added to that individual, just for being "woman." In a world dominated by patriarchal norms, many of those other labels have a negative connotation when applied to women. Words such as "bossy" and "aggressive" are thrown at a woman if she dares to assert herself. The result is that women around the world struggle for equality in one way or other. The extent of a woman's struggle depends on where she lives. But this is a classic example of how labels are used as weapons of mass destruction.
The same can be said of labels that identify characteristics like ethnicity, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, educational level and abilities. Entire groups or categories of people are denigrated, when a negative meaning is attached to the label that identifies them.
But this type of labelling becomes doubly detrimental when the negative labels are internalised. One example is the use of the word "ugly" to describe non-European features. Because of a history of European colonisation, peoples of various ethnicities across the globe, have been made to believe that their cultures and their physical features are inferior to those of the Europeans. People with dark skin are labelled ugly, even by dark skinned people themselves.
Today, fair skin is held up as one of the most desirable standards of beauty. As a result, millions of people in Asia, Africa, the Americas and the Caribbean practise skin bleaching. We can learn more about this from the many documentaries about skin bleaching found on YouTube. No matter how dangerous the practice, many people employ extreme measures at great expense to lighten their skins. Some of them impoverish themselves to acquire the bleaching products. With these products, they damage their skins and their overall health. Through these kinds of self-destructive practices, people try to erase characteristics of themselves. All this is to escape the label of "ugly" which in this case means, "not fair-skinned." This is one of the ways internalised labels become weapons of self-destruction.
Negative labelling is very bad. Whether it is imposed on us or internalised, it is destructive. How will we ever stop this from happening? This is the question that had consumed me on yet another sleepless night. But I don't know how to change things. Do you know?
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth be Ours Forever"
People use labels on others and on themselves every day. Should we embrace labels or reject them? That depends on what the labels are, who is using the labels, why they are using them and what are their effects? Although the definition seems clear, labelling is a more complicated matter. Labels can be positive or negative. Labels used negatively can result in mass- and self-destruction.
Many words can be used as positive and negative labels. Take the word "woman", for example. As a label, this word accurately describes an adult, female human being. That is all the word means. It doesn't say much more about the woman.
But to some people, that word "woman" means the human being bearing that label is less intelligent, weak or in some other way inferior and not worthy of the same respect and rights as a man. In fact, many other labels are added to that individual, just for being "woman." In a world dominated by patriarchal norms, many of those other labels have a negative connotation when applied to women. Words such as "bossy" and "aggressive" are thrown at a woman if she dares to assert herself. The result is that women around the world struggle for equality in one way or other. The extent of a woman's struggle depends on where she lives. But this is a classic example of how labels are used as weapons of mass destruction.
The same can be said of labels that identify characteristics like ethnicity, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, educational level and abilities. Entire groups or categories of people are denigrated, when a negative meaning is attached to the label that identifies them.
But this type of labelling becomes doubly detrimental when the negative labels are internalised. One example is the use of the word "ugly" to describe non-European features. Because of a history of European colonisation, peoples of various ethnicities across the globe, have been made to believe that their cultures and their physical features are inferior to those of the Europeans. People with dark skin are labelled ugly, even by dark skinned people themselves.
Today, fair skin is held up as one of the most desirable standards of beauty. As a result, millions of people in Asia, Africa, the Americas and the Caribbean practise skin bleaching. We can learn more about this from the many documentaries about skin bleaching found on YouTube. No matter how dangerous the practice, many people employ extreme measures at great expense to lighten their skins. Some of them impoverish themselves to acquire the bleaching products. With these products, they damage their skins and their overall health. Through these kinds of self-destructive practices, people try to erase characteristics of themselves. All this is to escape the label of "ugly" which in this case means, "not fair-skinned." This is one of the ways internalised labels become weapons of self-destruction.
Negative labelling is very bad. Whether it is imposed on us or internalised, it is destructive. How will we ever stop this from happening? This is the question that had consumed me on yet another sleepless night. But I don't know how to change things. Do you know?
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth be Ours Forever"
Monday, 15 May 2017
Shame - Don't Be Shut Down By It
This one is for the people who have been hamstrung by overwhelming shame. I know the feeling.
Several months ago I was laid off. It was the worst possible time for me. But the worst part is how the whole episode made me feel. Although I had done nothing to merit being laid off, I felt totally worthless and depressed. When I was not job hunting, attending school or church or chairing Mensana meetings, I was hiding at home with the windows closed and the curtains drawn, even on scorching hot days. I cut myself off from people as much as I could. Finally, I was confronted by a friend. That was when I confessed to her that I was embarrassed. I actually heard myself saying that I felt shame. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. But why should I feel shame? I pondered that for a while. Then I decided to do some research on shame. That was how I encountered the work of Dr Brene Brown, social worker and researcher on shame and vulnerability. What I have learned from her has begun to help me to deal with my feelings of shame. I have even been teaching it to others. If you have ever felt shame, you are normal. I hope you will increase in knowledge and understanding about shame. And may you be free.
What I am sharing with you now is a number of quotes from Dr Brene Brown about shame. They will help you understand what shame really is, the difference between guilt and shame, the gender manifestations of shame and how to talk about and overcome shame. These quotes were collected from the many speeches on vulnerability and shame given by Dr Brown in spaces such as the TED talks, Oprah's Soul Sundays broadcasts, 99U, RSA and various interviews on the internet, television and radio. I added the square bracketed portions for clarity.
The typical dictionary definition says shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation and distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour" (Google). But according to Dr Brown:
What really is shame?
"Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. 'Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?'"
"Shame is the intensely personal feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"We all know shame. This, 'I am not good enough,' 'I am not _______ enough.'"
"Shame drives two big tapes: 'Never good enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'"
"We all have shame. The only people who don't know it, have no capacity for empathy or human connection."
Shame versus Guilt
"Shame is 'I am bad.' Guilt is 'I did something bad.'"
"Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behaviour."
[On parenting and shame versus guilt] "There is a tremendous difference between saying, 'You're a bad girl,' and 'You are a great kid, but that was a bad choice.'"
"Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, suicide, bullying and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those outcomes. The more someone is able to separate themselves from those behaviours the less likely it is that they will end up in those situations or suffering from those struggles."
"Guilt is cognitive dissonance." Dr Brown explained that guilt is about holding up our behaviour against our value system and finding out that it does not feel right, [so we make plans to change our behaviour.] But, she adds "shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change."
Shame and Gender
"Shame is organised by gender. For women, shame is 'do it all, do it perfectly and never let
them see you sweat.' It is a web of unattainable competing expectations about who we are supposed to be. It is a straightjacket. For men, shame is 'do not be perceived as weak'."
"Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." Dr Brown explained that perfectionism is a defence mechanism that many people, especially women, employ.
Talking about Shame
Nobody likes to talk about or hear about shame. Dr Brown said she was advised against researching the issue as it would have been a career killer. But years of groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has improved her own life and made her famous.
"We don't talk about the things that get in the way. What we want is the 'how to'. But 'how to' is not working. The problem is bigger than that. The problem is mostly what gets in the way of implementing what we know. I would argue from my work, it's the hustle for worthiness."
How to Manage Shame
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle - 'me too'."
"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives - secrecy, silence and judgement."
"We cannot avoid shame, but we can be resilient."
"Shame cannot survive empathy and belongingness. Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone."
"Empathy is feeling with. Sympathy is feeling for." Dr Brown explained the difference between empathy and sympathy this way: Empathetic people truly understand what someone in struggle is going through so they will know exactly what the person needs. Sympathetic people do not demonstrate a deep understanding of what people in struggle are experiencing so they only respond with words, such as 'bless your heart', expecting that to help. [Some other sympathetic words in my view are 'I will pray for you'.]
"Shame breeds three things - fear, blame and disconnection. So how do we practice courage in a culture where we are incredibly afraid of not fitting in?"
[The answer] "More authenticity. A deeper sense of love and belonging. Have a resilient spirit."
Dr Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She is a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate School of Social Work. She is the author of books such as Daring Greatly, Women and Shame, I Thought It Was Just Me, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability.
Bonus Quote
"The things that get in the way are sometimes the only things that set us free. I invite you to talk about your story [with] someone who loves you for your strengths and struggles and [is] able to engage you in these conversations. And use the word 'shame' as much as possible." - Dr. Brene Brown
Awesome!
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
Several months ago I was laid off. It was the worst possible time for me. But the worst part is how the whole episode made me feel. Although I had done nothing to merit being laid off, I felt totally worthless and depressed. When I was not job hunting, attending school or church or chairing Mensana meetings, I was hiding at home with the windows closed and the curtains drawn, even on scorching hot days. I cut myself off from people as much as I could. Finally, I was confronted by a friend. That was when I confessed to her that I was embarrassed. I actually heard myself saying that I felt shame. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. But why should I feel shame? I pondered that for a while. Then I decided to do some research on shame. That was how I encountered the work of Dr Brene Brown, social worker and researcher on shame and vulnerability. What I have learned from her has begun to help me to deal with my feelings of shame. I have even been teaching it to others. If you have ever felt shame, you are normal. I hope you will increase in knowledge and understanding about shame. And may you be free.
What I am sharing with you now is a number of quotes from Dr Brene Brown about shame. They will help you understand what shame really is, the difference between guilt and shame, the gender manifestations of shame and how to talk about and overcome shame. These quotes were collected from the many speeches on vulnerability and shame given by Dr Brown in spaces such as the TED talks, Oprah's Soul Sundays broadcasts, 99U, RSA and various interviews on the internet, television and radio. I added the square bracketed portions for clarity.
The typical dictionary definition says shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation and distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour" (Google). But according to Dr Brown:
What really is shame?
"Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. 'Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?'"
"Shame is the intensely personal feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"We all know shame. This, 'I am not good enough,' 'I am not _______ enough.'"
"Shame drives two big tapes: 'Never good enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'"
"We all have shame. The only people who don't know it, have no capacity for empathy or human connection."
Shame versus Guilt
"Shame is 'I am bad.' Guilt is 'I did something bad.'"
"Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behaviour."
[On parenting and shame versus guilt] "There is a tremendous difference between saying, 'You're a bad girl,' and 'You are a great kid, but that was a bad choice.'"
"Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, suicide, bullying and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those outcomes. The more someone is able to separate themselves from those behaviours the less likely it is that they will end up in those situations or suffering from those struggles."
"Guilt is cognitive dissonance." Dr Brown explained that guilt is about holding up our behaviour against our value system and finding out that it does not feel right, [so we make plans to change our behaviour.] But, she adds "shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change."
Shame and Gender
"Shame is organised by gender. For women, shame is 'do it all, do it perfectly and never let
them see you sweat.' It is a web of unattainable competing expectations about who we are supposed to be. It is a straightjacket. For men, shame is 'do not be perceived as weak'."
"Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." Dr Brown explained that perfectionism is a defence mechanism that many people, especially women, employ.
Talking about Shame
Nobody likes to talk about or hear about shame. Dr Brown said she was advised against researching the issue as it would have been a career killer. But years of groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has improved her own life and made her famous.
"We don't talk about the things that get in the way. What we want is the 'how to'. But 'how to' is not working. The problem is bigger than that. The problem is mostly what gets in the way of implementing what we know. I would argue from my work, it's the hustle for worthiness."
How to Manage Shame
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle - 'me too'."
"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives - secrecy, silence and judgement."
"We cannot avoid shame, but we can be resilient."
"Shame cannot survive empathy and belongingness. Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone."
"Empathy is feeling with. Sympathy is feeling for." Dr Brown explained the difference between empathy and sympathy this way: Empathetic people truly understand what someone in struggle is going through so they will know exactly what the person needs. Sympathetic people do not demonstrate a deep understanding of what people in struggle are experiencing so they only respond with words, such as 'bless your heart', expecting that to help. [Some other sympathetic words in my view are 'I will pray for you'.]
"Shame breeds three things - fear, blame and disconnection. So how do we practice courage in a culture where we are incredibly afraid of not fitting in?"
[The answer] "More authenticity. A deeper sense of love and belonging. Have a resilient spirit."
Dr Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She is a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate School of Social Work. She is the author of books such as Daring Greatly, Women and Shame, I Thought It Was Just Me, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability.
Bonus Quote
"The things that get in the way are sometimes the only things that set us free. I invite you to talk about your story [with] someone who loves you for your strengths and struggles and [is] able to engage you in these conversations. And use the word 'shame' as much as possible." - Dr. Brene Brown
Awesome!
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
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