This one is for the people who have been hamstrung by overwhelming shame. I know the feeling.
Several months ago I was laid off. It was the worst possible time for me. But the worst part is how the whole episode made me feel. Although I had done nothing to merit being laid off, I felt totally worthless and depressed. When I was not job hunting, attending school or church or chairing Mensana meetings, I was hiding at home with the windows closed and the curtains drawn, even on scorching hot days. I cut myself off from people as much as I could. Finally, I was confronted by a friend. That was when I confessed to her that I was embarrassed. I actually heard myself saying that I felt shame. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. But why should I feel shame? I pondered that for a while. Then I decided to do some research on shame. That was how I encountered the work of Dr Brene Brown, social worker and researcher on shame and vulnerability. What I have learned from her has begun to help me to deal with my feelings of shame. I have even been teaching it to others. If you have ever felt shame, you are normal. I hope you will increase in knowledge and understanding about shame. And may you be free.
What I am sharing with you now is a number of quotes from Dr Brene Brown about shame. They will help you understand what shame really is, the difference between guilt and shame, the gender manifestations of shame and how to talk about and overcome shame. These quotes were collected from the many speeches on vulnerability and shame given by Dr Brown in spaces such as the TED talks, Oprah's Soul Sundays broadcasts, 99U, RSA and various interviews on the internet, television and radio. I added the square bracketed portions for clarity.
The typical dictionary definition says shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation and distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour" (Google). But according to Dr Brown:
What really is shame?
"Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. 'Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?'"
"Shame is the intensely personal feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"We all know shame. This, 'I am not good enough,' 'I am not _______ enough.'"
"Shame drives two big tapes: 'Never good enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'"
"We all have shame. The only people who don't know it, have no capacity for empathy or human connection."
Shame versus Guilt
"Shame is 'I am bad.' Guilt is 'I did something bad.'"
"Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behaviour."
[On parenting and shame versus guilt] "There is a tremendous difference between saying, 'You're a bad girl,' and 'You are a great kid, but that was a bad choice.'"
"Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, suicide, bullying and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those outcomes. The more someone is able to separate themselves from those behaviours the less likely it is that they will end up in those situations or suffering from those struggles."
"Guilt is cognitive dissonance." Dr Brown explained that guilt is about holding up our behaviour against our value system and finding out that it does not feel right, [so we make plans to change our behaviour.] But, she adds "shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change."
Shame and Gender
"Shame is organised by gender. For women, shame is 'do it all, do it perfectly and never let
them see you sweat.' It is a web of unattainable competing expectations about who we are supposed to be. It is a straightjacket. For men, shame is 'do not be perceived as weak'."
"Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism." Dr Brown explained that perfectionism is a defence mechanism that many people, especially women, employ.
Talking about Shame
Nobody likes to talk about or hear about shame. Dr Brown said she was advised against researching the issue as it would have been a career killer. But years of groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has improved her own life and made her famous.
"We don't talk about the things that get in the way. What we want is the 'how to'. But 'how to' is not working. The problem is bigger than that. The problem is mostly what gets in the way of implementing what we know. I would argue from my work, it's the hustle for worthiness."
How to Manage Shame
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle - 'me too'."
"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives - secrecy, silence and judgement."
"We cannot avoid shame, but we can be resilient."
"Shame cannot survive empathy and belongingness. Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone."
"Empathy is feeling with. Sympathy is feeling for." Dr Brown explained the difference between empathy and sympathy this way: Empathetic people truly understand what someone in struggle is going through so they will know exactly what the person needs. Sympathetic people do not demonstrate a deep understanding of what people in struggle are experiencing so they only respond with words, such as 'bless your heart', expecting that to help. [Some other sympathetic words in my view are 'I will pray for you'.]
"Shame breeds three things - fear, blame and disconnection. So how do we practice courage in a culture where we are incredibly afraid of not fitting in?"
[The answer] "More authenticity. A deeper sense of love and belonging. Have a resilient spirit."
Dr Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She is a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate School of Social Work. She is the author of books such as Daring Greatly, Women and Shame, I Thought It Was Just Me, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability.
Bonus Quote
"The things that get in the way are sometimes the only things that set us free. I invite you to talk about your story [with] someone who loves you for your strengths and struggles and [is] able to engage you in these conversations. And use the word 'shame' as much as possible." - Dr. Brene Brown
Awesome!
Dawn Marie Roper
Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever
Monday, 15 May 2017
Thursday, 4 May 2017
The Main Reason People Suffer
Everybody, be they rich, poor or in between, suffers at some time. People suffer for a lot of reasons. Natural disasters, illnesses, pandemics, accidents, recessions and depressions all take their toll. Nobody is immune. Life is hard and it is unfair.
But the worst kind of suffering is caused by people. People's greed, selfishness, cruelty and indifference are the biggest causes of suffering in the world. People make war. Wars bring famine, disease, economic collapse, environmental damage, societal disintegration and genocide. People also create unjust policies and laws that favour the powerful at the expense of the powerless. Banking policies that empower bankers to extract hefty service fees from people's savings accounts are examples.
But let's look at suffering from a more personal standpoint. There are times when life's hard knocks come to our door and rob us of everything except life. Such knocks can be a sudden job loss, illness, a serious assault, a robbery, divorce and death of significant others. But we do not all suffer at the same time. So when disaster strikes, others are free to help.
But some people choose not to help even when they can. In the wake of a job loss or long illness, for example, people will be without an income and if they don't have enough reserved, they will be unable to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, that is the time when some people find out that those they had hoped would help, really do not care. That brings a terrible kind of hurt.
Even worse, some people blame victims of misfortune for what has happened to them. During the hurricane season, many poor Jamaicans who live in makeshift informal settlements near gullies and other low-lying areas, lose their homes to torrential rains and flooding. But people blame them for living in these places, never considering that maybe they do not have other choices. In other disasters, some people even see it as an opportunity to further victimise victims. In the wake of the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, many traumatised, displaced women and children were sexually assaulted.
Poverty is its own disaster. What makes people treat poor people so badly? Is it that they do not understand why people are poor? People are poor when they cannot provide for their own basic needs. Most people have to work to be able to provide for themselves. But there are many able and willing people who cannot find jobs. Also, children, the disabled and old people make up a large part of the poor population because they are unable to work. Yet some people curse and chase away children, the disabled and old people when they ask for help. I recently heard of a woman who cut down her breadfruit tree because poor people were picking the fruits. Now she will have no fruits even for herself. Yesterday, I saw a story on Facebook about children being shamed by school cafeteria staff for having no lunch money. They put these children to work cleaning the cafeteria, while they throw away perfectly good food.
Yes, life is hard and it is unfair. But it is harder and more unfair because some people do not care about other people. They either don't know how to care or don't want to. For such people, I am sharing a saying that I learned from my mother. "Today for me, but tomorrow for you." That is to say, while I have troubles now, your troubles are on the way. When life's hard knocks come we all need help from others to cope or even survive. Knowing this we should lend a hand whenever we can. And even if we cannot, we must not add to other people's troubles by blaming or shaming them. Instead, give them empathy. A day is coming when you will need it back.
But the worst kind of suffering is caused by people. People's greed, selfishness, cruelty and indifference are the biggest causes of suffering in the world. People make war. Wars bring famine, disease, economic collapse, environmental damage, societal disintegration and genocide. People also create unjust policies and laws that favour the powerful at the expense of the powerless. Banking policies that empower bankers to extract hefty service fees from people's savings accounts are examples.
But let's look at suffering from a more personal standpoint. There are times when life's hard knocks come to our door and rob us of everything except life. Such knocks can be a sudden job loss, illness, a serious assault, a robbery, divorce and death of significant others. But we do not all suffer at the same time. So when disaster strikes, others are free to help.
But some people choose not to help even when they can. In the wake of a job loss or long illness, for example, people will be without an income and if they don't have enough reserved, they will be unable to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, that is the time when some people find out that those they had hoped would help, really do not care. That brings a terrible kind of hurt.
Even worse, some people blame victims of misfortune for what has happened to them. During the hurricane season, many poor Jamaicans who live in makeshift informal settlements near gullies and other low-lying areas, lose their homes to torrential rains and flooding. But people blame them for living in these places, never considering that maybe they do not have other choices. In other disasters, some people even see it as an opportunity to further victimise victims. In the wake of the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, many traumatised, displaced women and children were sexually assaulted.
Poverty is its own disaster. What makes people treat poor people so badly? Is it that they do not understand why people are poor? People are poor when they cannot provide for their own basic needs. Most people have to work to be able to provide for themselves. But there are many able and willing people who cannot find jobs. Also, children, the disabled and old people make up a large part of the poor population because they are unable to work. Yet some people curse and chase away children, the disabled and old people when they ask for help. I recently heard of a woman who cut down her breadfruit tree because poor people were picking the fruits. Now she will have no fruits even for herself. Yesterday, I saw a story on Facebook about children being shamed by school cafeteria staff for having no lunch money. They put these children to work cleaning the cafeteria, while they throw away perfectly good food.
Yes, life is hard and it is unfair. But it is harder and more unfair because some people do not care about other people. They either don't know how to care or don't want to. For such people, I am sharing a saying that I learned from my mother. "Today for me, but tomorrow for you." That is to say, while I have troubles now, your troubles are on the way. When life's hard knocks come we all need help from others to cope or even survive. Knowing this we should lend a hand whenever we can. And even if we cannot, we must not add to other people's troubles by blaming or shaming them. Instead, give them empathy. A day is coming when you will need it back.
Sunday, 5 March 2017
You Might be a Sociopath if...
There are dangerous predators among us. They are the ones who are likely to read this post and laugh. But, this is really a cautionary piece for normal people.
Here is my first list of 12 warning signs of sociopaths.
The list of things that sociopathic people do is long, my friends. Thinking about them gives me no pleasure, but I like to learn and share. So feel free to share your own experiences. As we say in Jamaica, "more time."
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
Here is my first list of 12 warning signs of sociopaths.
- If you can watch all of a 10-minute video of a woman being brutally beaten and you enjoy it, you might be a sociopath.
- If you were the one who made said video, you are very likely a sociopath.
- If you like to mock a disabled person or a crying child, you might be a sociopath.
- If you take a selfie every 5 minutes, you might be a narcissistic sociopath.
- If you often say bad things about people whom you say are your friends when they are not around, you might be a sociopath.
- If you start quarrels for no reason, saying cruel and unjustified things out of the blue, you might be a sociopath.
- If an animal is in pain and you find it funny, you are a sociopath.
- If you victim blame, you are a sociopath.
- If you are "bad minded" as we say in Jamaica, (i.e. insanely envious and malicious) you might be a sociopath.
- If you say you care about people but will not offer them so much as a kind word when they are down, then you might be a sociopath.
- If you like to ruin other people's chances for good, clean fun, then you might be a sociopath.
- And if your heroes are people who are conniving and abusive, you might be a sociopath.
The list of things that sociopathic people do is long, my friends. Thinking about them gives me no pleasure, but I like to learn and share. So feel free to share your own experiences. As we say in Jamaica, "more time."
Dawn Marie Roper
"Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
Wednesday, 1 March 2017
A View of Success and Failure
In my introverted mind, I am bombarded with a thousand thoughts and ideas a day. Gosh, it is exhausting! Added to that, I spend a lot of time listening to TED Talks where they are constantly sharing "ideas worth spreading." And every time I hear something worth knowing I spend a good deal of time ruminating on it. Today, I am listening to a talk by Richard Sudek dubbed "The Courage to Fail". Of course, such a talk would interest me. There was a time when I was a huge coward and a huge failure.
You cannot succeed at something if you have never even tried it. Of all the ideas I have had, I mustered the courage to try only a few. And I did so with a huge amount of doubt. Because of the doubts, and a variety of other reasons, my attempts have not produced the results I was hoping for. Consequently, I am not able to display the commonly accepted indicators of success.
But, I want to comment on the commonly accepted ideas about success.
It appears to me that most people in my society think success looks like a prestigious career, multi-story homes, frequent flying, expensive clothes, flashy cars and high rolling companions. Most people I know think success is all about having lots of money and the constant pursuit of more money, sometimes even at the expense of their health, freedom and self-respect. Having lots of money is the chief indicator of success for all of my family members. I am not knocking their view. They are not wrong. If that is what success means to them, that is fine. I just wish people would stop thinking badly of me for failing to meet that standard.
For a while, I too had those same beliefs as my family and the wider society, until I did two things. One, I looked up the meaning of "success". And two, having looked it up, I made my own determinations about it. There is more to the meaning of success than just achieving affluence.
Success means deciding on a goal and accomplishing it. It is that basic. Google dictionary says success is "A person or thing that achieves desired aims" and " the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." Success is about hitting a target that you have set. So anything can be a goal, including earning a specified amount of money. But for me, that kind of success was not meaningful. As important as money is, it has never been a major motivator for me. Just acquiring the trappings of wealth for its own sake never satisfied or impressed me.
After learning what success means, I fell into a long crisis. What was that crisis? I had no goals. I didn't even know what to want and that had me in a tailspin for years. Having emerged from that crisis I now believe that until a person has identified personally meaningful goals and targets, that person will never be truly successful. But, back then, what were my targets? What were my goals? I always valued things like freedom and fairness and happy people and learning. But these are abstract concepts, not goals.
In the past, I did earn quite a bit of money. But I confess I never valued it enough to hold on to enough of it. That was because I never thought of it as a means to accomplish any personally meaningful goals. How could I? I did not have any personally meaningful goals. So I finished school as expected and went to work as expected. And I plodded along in several jobs, almost in suicidal despair, spending money on all sorts of meaningless things to feel better and to prop up my self-esteem.
It took me years to figure out my personally meaningful goals. It took a devasting family crisis to do it. I will share about it in another post. The irony is, now that I have a meaningful purpose, I don't have any money left to help me accomplish it. "C'est la vie!" as the French might say. That is my life.
But where money is absent, my determination to succeed is bountiful. And now as a "late bloomer", as I like to tell my friends, I am purposefully on my way to accomplishing my goals. I believe where there is life there is always opportunity, so as late off the starting block as I am, here I come.
Here's to my success, and yours.
Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston, Jamaica
"Justice, truth be ours forever."
You cannot succeed at something if you have never even tried it. Of all the ideas I have had, I mustered the courage to try only a few. And I did so with a huge amount of doubt. Because of the doubts, and a variety of other reasons, my attempts have not produced the results I was hoping for. Consequently, I am not able to display the commonly accepted indicators of success.
But, I want to comment on the commonly accepted ideas about success.
It appears to me that most people in my society think success looks like a prestigious career, multi-story homes, frequent flying, expensive clothes, flashy cars and high rolling companions. Most people I know think success is all about having lots of money and the constant pursuit of more money, sometimes even at the expense of their health, freedom and self-respect. Having lots of money is the chief indicator of success for all of my family members. I am not knocking their view. They are not wrong. If that is what success means to them, that is fine. I just wish people would stop thinking badly of me for failing to meet that standard.
For a while, I too had those same beliefs as my family and the wider society, until I did two things. One, I looked up the meaning of "success". And two, having looked it up, I made my own determinations about it. There is more to the meaning of success than just achieving affluence.
Success means deciding on a goal and accomplishing it. It is that basic. Google dictionary says success is "A person or thing that achieves desired aims" and " the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." Success is about hitting a target that you have set. So anything can be a goal, including earning a specified amount of money. But for me, that kind of success was not meaningful. As important as money is, it has never been a major motivator for me. Just acquiring the trappings of wealth for its own sake never satisfied or impressed me.
After learning what success means, I fell into a long crisis. What was that crisis? I had no goals. I didn't even know what to want and that had me in a tailspin for years. Having emerged from that crisis I now believe that until a person has identified personally meaningful goals and targets, that person will never be truly successful. But, back then, what were my targets? What were my goals? I always valued things like freedom and fairness and happy people and learning. But these are abstract concepts, not goals.
In the past, I did earn quite a bit of money. But I confess I never valued it enough to hold on to enough of it. That was because I never thought of it as a means to accomplish any personally meaningful goals. How could I? I did not have any personally meaningful goals. So I finished school as expected and went to work as expected. And I plodded along in several jobs, almost in suicidal despair, spending money on all sorts of meaningless things to feel better and to prop up my self-esteem.
It took me years to figure out my personally meaningful goals. It took a devasting family crisis to do it. I will share about it in another post. The irony is, now that I have a meaningful purpose, I don't have any money left to help me accomplish it. "C'est la vie!" as the French might say. That is my life.
But where money is absent, my determination to succeed is bountiful. And now as a "late bloomer", as I like to tell my friends, I am purposefully on my way to accomplishing my goals. I believe where there is life there is always opportunity, so as late off the starting block as I am, here I come.
Here's to my success, and yours.
Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston, Jamaica
"Justice, truth be ours forever."
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Your Value Poem
When I think of all the people who are led by others to believe that they are nothing, it fills me with fury. People devalue other people so that they can trample all over them and use and abuse them. If you have been so devalued, this is my gift to you. Assert your worth every day. Peace. Dawn Marie Roper
Your Value Poem
By Dawn Marie Roper
You are valuable.
You are remarkable and one of a kind.
Most people won't admit this to you
But that doesn't matter.
As long as you know it, it's fine.
You are valuable.
You won life's lottery to be here.
There was no you before.
There will be no other you after you're gone.
You are unique, special and dear.
You are valuable.
How much money would you take for your brain or your eyes?
Your heart and liver and hands and feet?
How much for your experiences and your thoughts?
You are a very precious prize.
You are valuable.
You were born that way.
You bring something great and special to life
So don't let anyone devalue you.
Always remember you are valuable, each and every day.
Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston Jamaica
"Justice, Truth Be Ours Forever"
Friday, 17 February 2017
Language Blocks
I am doing a social work degree. A week ago we were studying language development in children. The discussion took an argumentative turn after someone in the class declared her contempt for Jamaica's native language being spoken in the workplace and other official settings. Jamaica's native language, commonly called "Patois", is still mostly a spoken language. But it is our own language. That didn't matter to the individual. She wouldn't hire anyone, she said, if they used the native language during a job interview.
Well, I debated with her on this. It struck me as odd that she, being Jamaican born and raised, would so look down on her own language. All born and bred Jamaicans speak and understand Patois. Not all of us speak English, the official language. So, I was very surprised at her comment. In 2017, her attitude struck me as colonial and out of step with modern happenings with regard to Patois.
I asked her if she wasn't aware of how widely accepted Jamaica's language had become. Jamaican Patois has been codified and many works have been published in it. We now have a Patois bible. Jamaican Patois is being studied in universities abroad. International stars like Rihanna, Nicky Minaj and a host of others seemed to have adopted it as their own.
She would not be moved. So I asked her whether she would reject a Japanese job applicant who tried to impress by using our language back to her. No, she would not accept him or her, she said. She is not easily impressed by anyone, she said. Hmm. That's nice. So, I guess when President Obama visited and belted out "Wha' a gwaan, Jamaica!" she wasn't impressed either. Well, she would be the first Jamaican I met who wasn't charmed by it.
I wondered how she felt about our many cultural ambassadors who had helped to put our language on the international map. Did she not respect Bob Marley and Louise Bennett? What about Shaggy and Sean Paul and countless others? Are they not deserving of honour for promoting something beautiful and distinctly Jamaican?
Well, she is entitled to her opinion. But my main concern with her view on Patois is this. In her professions, she has lots of influence over impressionable people. With her attitude toward something so uniquely Jamaican, I wondered if she wasn't inspiring self-hatred rather than self-esteem in those Jamaicans she encounters who speak only Patois. It is a sad thought.
Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston Jamaica
Well, I debated with her on this. It struck me as odd that she, being Jamaican born and raised, would so look down on her own language. All born and bred Jamaicans speak and understand Patois. Not all of us speak English, the official language. So, I was very surprised at her comment. In 2017, her attitude struck me as colonial and out of step with modern happenings with regard to Patois.
I asked her if she wasn't aware of how widely accepted Jamaica's language had become. Jamaican Patois has been codified and many works have been published in it. We now have a Patois bible. Jamaican Patois is being studied in universities abroad. International stars like Rihanna, Nicky Minaj and a host of others seemed to have adopted it as their own.
She would not be moved. So I asked her whether she would reject a Japanese job applicant who tried to impress by using our language back to her. No, she would not accept him or her, she said. She is not easily impressed by anyone, she said. Hmm. That's nice. So, I guess when President Obama visited and belted out "Wha' a gwaan, Jamaica!" she wasn't impressed either. Well, she would be the first Jamaican I met who wasn't charmed by it.
I wondered how she felt about our many cultural ambassadors who had helped to put our language on the international map. Did she not respect Bob Marley and Louise Bennett? What about Shaggy and Sean Paul and countless others? Are they not deserving of honour for promoting something beautiful and distinctly Jamaican?
Well, she is entitled to her opinion. But my main concern with her view on Patois is this. In her professions, she has lots of influence over impressionable people. With her attitude toward something so uniquely Jamaican, I wondered if she wasn't inspiring self-hatred rather than self-esteem in those Jamaicans she encounters who speak only Patois. It is a sad thought.
Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston Jamaica
Friday, 3 February 2017
Who I am? Who are you?
How easy it is for liars?
Saying just about anything,
No matter how it hurts.
You don't know me.
Yet you talk as if you do.
But while you run your mouth,
You should ask yourself,
Who you are.
I am shouting this declaration.
I know who I am.
Who am I?
I am a woman of love,
I give love
Whether it's returned or not.
Do you know how to love?
Who am I?
I am a woman of compassion.
No one will suffer at my hands,
Not even a stranded bee in my window.
Do you know compassion?
Who am I?
I am a woman of justice.
I believe we are all valuable, though not all equal.
But fairness towards everybody is what I work for.
Do you believe in justice?
Who am I?
I am a woman who believes in being good.
Although I miss the mark sometimes,
My conscience won't permit anything else.
Do you believe in being good?
Yes, how easy it is for liars?
Saying and doing destructive things.
But instead of beating me down with evil talk,
Ask yourself,
Who you really are.
Let me be!
Loving, compassionate, just and good.
That's who I am.
And I am happy with that.
Who are you?
By Dawn Marie Roper, Kingston, Jamaica
February 3, 2017
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